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You know those people that have way too much power for their own good? In fact, they have so much power that they have developed an ego so big it would make Diddy look like an anorexic insecure suicidal teenage girl from the ‘burbs. You know the club bouncer, your boss, your teacher, the police, the parking enforcement dude, the gatekeeper, pretty much anyone that restrains you from doing something. Basically the people Socrates was referring to when he said “absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Well here’s 10 ways to effectively deal with these ego-trippers.
10. Ignore them. These people thrive on you pleading with them. They love it when you beg them, it makes them feel important. So the best way to hurt these ego-manics is to hit up with the silent treatment. To use an old Russel Peters joke it’s like when you ask an English person where they’re from and they say “England”, you respond with “Where’s that?”
9. Hit ’em with the Socratic method. Keep asking them “why?” to everything they say. For example, a bouncer at the club asks, “Let me see your id?” Response, “why?” “Because I need to see it”. “Why?” “Because…” At this point the bouncers brain will explode as his brain neurons have started mis-firing at the sudden break from protocol.
8. Your wife’s giving birth. Sometimes if the gatekeeper is not letting you pass, hit him with the old “wife’s at the hospital having my baby” story. For example, the police pull you over for speeding you say before he can even say a word, “Sir, I’m terribly sorry for going so fast, but my wife is about to give birth any moment and she will kill me if I miss it”. Your boss isn’t going to give you that half-percentage raise, tell him your wife is having twins, right before he makes you sign that random piece of paper (wtf is that thing anyway?).
7. Never say “Do you know who my father is?” Matching the ego of the gatekeeper is the worst thing you can do as no ego-manic wants to be forced into doing something. “Hey don’t tell me how to do my job, your under arrest” is what you will likely hear.
6. Never play the race card. A lot of non-whiteys, myself included, love to play the race card. It’s like the greatest excuse on Earth for underachieving. I failed my exam, it’s the white man’s fault. I got arrested, it’s the white man’s fault. I got pregnant at 12, it’s the white man’s fault (well maybe that one…jungle fever is in vogue right now). The best strategy if you ever confronted by the gatekeeper is to act like a hyper-stereotypical white guy. Think of it like when black comedians act like a white guy and talk with super helium voices and actually annunciate each word. For example, a policeman saw me walking down the street and he was riding on his bike, looking a little fruity I might add, and came up to me shouting, “Hey is there a problem here? Your giving me a menacing scowl.” My response, “Officer, sir, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and you are protecting my neighborhood, I sincerely commend you for a job well done.” Shocked, the officer apologized and rode of into the sunset. “Keep up the good work you public servant!”.
5. I need to go to the washroom. To pull this off, or any of these for that matter, your going to need a great smile. I happen to have a smile that will light up the room and can pretty much pull anything off, but that’s neither here nor there. For example, ever been to store where its so crowded they only letting two people in at a time. This usually happens when there’s some kind of a sale or the store is just notoriously cheap. Here’s what you do, avoiding eye contact with anyone in line, just go to the front and say you really have to go the washroom and do that up and down bounce thing we did when we had to go pee when we were two years old. Guaranteed entry. This also works at dorm parties, house parties or any other social gatherings where your nerd ass wasn’t invited.
4. Bring two hot girls. If your ever in line at a club you’ll always notice the hottest chicks are getting picked out of the line to tone the sausage fiesta inside down a few hot dogs. If you don’t have any hot girlfriends, get some, or make friends with them in line, right before the bouncer comes, embrace arms like your the groom at your polygamous wedding and enjoy the free ride in.
3. Roll with a white friend. The best way to get a free pass and avoid any kind of police brutality is to roll with a white boy. Having a white spokesperson for your crew is almost like having a publicist for a rapper. Police officer approaches, “Hey what are you guys up to tonight?” Now without a white boy, your probably going to have one of your ignorant friends say, “What’s it to your cracker ass crackie?” and commence the Rodney King beating part 7800. With a white boy as your PR agent, he could even say the same thing, “What’s it to your crack ass crackie?” and the attending officer will give him a high-five and $30 cab/beer/stripper money.
2. I take care of disabled parents. This is probably the greatest trump card on any gatekeeper and for some odd reason works 100% of the time. I have a good friend, who yes I’m airing out here, who has used this numerous times, everything from missing an exam to not wanting to relocate for work. I’m not sure why this is so powerful, but pulling on those heart strings always in the clutch always seems to work.
1. My dad works as a… Anytime your in a situation where your denied entry, tell them your dad or someone close to you works at the same place or as the same position as the person denying you access. “My dad’s a police officer…he’s been one for over 30 years I know how hard it can be sir…” “I understand you want to call my parents for being disruptive in class, but just like you, my dad’s a teacher and if he hears about this…well I’m sure you know how’d you feel if your son had the teacher call?” Chuurch.